I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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