the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
