Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
