my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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