He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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