My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
