Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
