I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
