I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize