Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
