I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
