his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
