i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
