I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
