those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am spending my child support on dildos
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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