i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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