I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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