I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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