between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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