Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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