just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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