This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
