my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
