sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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