didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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