Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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