you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
