4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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