you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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