She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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