Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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