Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
