Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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