he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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