I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
