party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My cat gives me a boner
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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