The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
