look no pants
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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