quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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