I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
