i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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