Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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