I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
