My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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