I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
