Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
