I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
