I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
