I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize