I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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