I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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