I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
