I'm really into asian looking animals
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
