she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
