if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
