I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
