i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize